Ep 134 Rest Is Resistance: Are You A Restorer?

In this episode Carly explores why rest feels so radical for midlife women, the science behind rest in strength training and the nervous system, the neuroscience of silence and neurogenesis, and introduces The Restorer; one of four archetypes from the Midlife Presence system. 

Also included... a sneak peek of an upcoming offering at Still Space Hull.

Take the MIDLIFE PRESENCE ARCHETYPE QUIZ here

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Transcript

0:46

Hello, and welcome back to Rooted in Presence. I'm Carly, your podcast host and guide for this episode, and I am so glad you have taken the time to come over here. So I'm gonna be honest with you from the very start, about this particular episode, because it's kind of the whole point of the episode today, actually. So I planned this entire episode from my bed this morning, voice noting my thoughts and ideas into my phone, still in my PJs, very comfy under the duvet, because actually I have a really busy day ahead of me. I have extra things on, things I love. I've started running a placement for student dieticians, which is great. It's a great thread back to my dietician days from the NHS. But it does mean that I have to be just a little bit more organized, and also we have Strong Bones starting a new program this week. It's all going on. And so yeah, I'm spinning quite a few plates, but I still wanna do these things. So I made a deliberate choice to have a slow, soft start today, and here we are. Now, now that you've heard that, I want to ask you something, and I'd really love for you to sit with this for a second if it feels okay to do so. How does it make you feel to hear what I just said? When I tell you I planned a podcast episode from my bed, does it make you smile? Maybe a bit of relief like,"Oh, Carly's actually human. She's a real person." Does it make you wish that you could do elements of your work in that way too? Or does something in you get a little bit uncomfortable? Perhaps a little voice that says,"Uh, does she really take this seriously?" Isn't it a bit much? Why doesn't she just get up? So whatever came up for you around that, and I mean whatever, there's no wrong answer, I want you to spend some time with that. Maybe journal on it, if that's your thing, or maybe just muse on it, because it might just tell you something really interesting about your own relationship with rest. Because today we are talking about rest, specifically why rest is not laziness, why rest is absolutely not weakness, and why for so many of us, especially as we step into midlife, rest is actually one of the most radical and rebellious things we can do. We are also going to look at some really fascinating science about what silence does to our brain, uh, which I think you're gonna love. And we'll meet one of the archetypes from my midlife presence archetype system that I've developed, and that... And today we will meet the restorer. It's been a while since I talked about this. And I think perhaps there's quite a few of you might hear yourselves in the restorer. So, settle in, make yourself a drink if you can, if you want to, and let's go. So let's talk about why rest can feel so wrong at times. and I actually suspect this is what a lot of us think, but perhaps don't really say out loud very often, or maybe we're mindful about who we might say that to, but rest can bring up guilt. I mean, genuinely, we can feel an uncomfortable level of guiltiness, and there's something about not doing, not producing or achieving that does almost feel wrong. And I say almost because I'm on the other side of it in some aspect. There's absolutely times I remember when it just felt wrong, never almost wrong. But especially as a woman in midlife, because we have often spent the best part of two, three, four decades being everything to everyone, and somewhere along the way we have absorbed that message that our worth is connected to our output, that busy is good, that productive is actually a personality trait. And I absolutely get it because I lived it. I'm a dietician by background... I spent 10 years working in the NHS in the UK. I'm also a strength coach. I've always been a hard worker. I care deeply, and I wanted to do a good job. And for years, that drive was genuinely brilliant. It got me places, it built things. I helped a lot of people, and I wore busy like a badge. But then I burned out. Not massively, well, not massively to start with, but certainly later on I did. But it didn't happen all at once. It was something that came on gradually, like my energy tank was getting emptier and emptier until running on fumes was actually the new fine. And the thing I had to really learn, and I'm still learning it in places, is that you just can't think your way out of depletion. You can't strategy your way out of burnout. At some point, you do need to stop and take stock, and rest, and let yourself recover. And if you really have moved into burnout, it's probably going to take longer than you think. And maybe that sounds obvious, but yet I think the reason rest feels so hard is that we live in a culture that genuinely doesn't value it. And as we move towards midlife, for many of us, perimenopause, menopause arrive alongside it. And the body, or it can feel like the body just stops cooperating with that approach. We start to experience brain fog, sleep pattern shifts, the energy changes, and instead of listening to that or instead of thinking,"Oh, my body's telling me something here," it can send you into a panic. Well, it certainly did for me. So we try to do more. We feel like we're falling behind. We feel like we're failing, or we feel like some version of us is slipping away. But you're not failing. You're just trying to drive 70 miles an hour in a tank that's already showing on empty and has already stopped showing you how many miles of fuel you have left, if you have one of those cars. Not that I've ever done that, honest. So there is actually some real science behind rest, strength, and silence. So let's talk about that,'cause I'm not just gonna ask you to trust me on this one. There's actually some really, a really compelling body of evidence behind why rest is absolutely not an option. So let's start with something you might already know from the strength training world if, if that's part of your world already. So when you lift weights or do any kind of resistance training, you're actually creating tiny micro tears in your muscle fibers. And I know that sounds a bit alarming, but it's actually completely normal and necessary because that growth, the real strength gains that come with that, they don't happen in the gym. They happen afterwards in the rest, in the space between sessions. That's when the muscles knit back together, repair, and come back stronger. So if you're someone who thinks rest is getting in the way of your progress, in strength training terms, rest really literally is the progress. The space in between is where the real growth happens, and that extends far beyond the gym. Let's talk about your nervous system. You've possibly heard of fight or flight states, and that is related to the sympathetic nervous system. You might also have heard of rest and digest, which is associated with the parasympathetic nervous system. But I'd like to just touch upon something that I feel is often oversimplified, actually quite a lot, because I think that nuance here is important. I'm all about the nuance. So it's not really that one switches on and the other switches off. They're not a seesaw. What actually happens is they work together, more or less present depending on what we need in any given moment. What we're really looking for is the ability to move fluidly between states, to be able to respond to life's demands when we need to, and to genuinely settle and restore when we don't. That ease of movement between states, between being a bit more activated to being more restful, that's what allows us to live an engaged, coherent, full life, which is what I am all about. But the problem for a lot of us, and a lot of the people I work with, is that we've spent so long in high alert mode because life genuinely asks a lot of us, and our brains don't always distinguish between a real emergency and a full inbox. and so what I'm seeing is that we've lost some of that flexibility. We might feel a bit stuck at one end of the dial, and what would really be supportive i- in this situation is to practice coming back, practice the settling and the softening, which brings me to something I find absolutely fascinating, the science of silence. Now, there's, uh, quite a landmark study. It's from 2013, led by researcher Imke Kirste. I think I've said that right. And that's at Duke University, and it looked at what silence does to the brain. So they've had some remarkable findings. The study found that just two hours of silence per day was associated with the growth of new cells in the hippocampus. That's the part of the brain responsible for memory, learning, and emotional processing. So new brain cells from silence. I mean, how does that feel, especially when we're going through the, uh, perimenopause brain fog s- side of things? Now, this research is based on animals, so just want to be transparent about that. We know we can't always directly translate every finding to humans, but I'm liking the direction of this evidence. It does feel compelling. Silence appears to reduce cortisol, increase something in your brain called brain-derived neurotrophic factor, so that supports new neural connections. And this also activates the brain's default mode network too, which is where we integrate experiences, make meaning, and access, and access deeper self-awareness. So if that's been part of your journey, if that's something you're looking for, rest and silence are possibly more important than you might have realized. So when I talk about my day of space, something I'll come to very shortly, I include space for silence. I'm not just talking about having a nice break from the world, although that is absolutely valid and enough on its own. I'm also talking about creating the conditions for genuine neurological restoration. Your brain actually needs quiet to do some of its most important work, and you don't need to be asleep for that, which is also super important given how sleep can often go as we near midlife. So a reminder there that rest isn't the absence of productivity. Rest is actually when we find some of our most profound growth. And that really gets me excited. So let's talk about the restorer, someone I'd like to introduce you to. So as part of the work I did developing Still Space Hull, my breathwork studio here in Hull, which I am absolutely still pinching myself about, I've developed something called the midlife presence archetypes, it's a way of understanding where you really are right now in your season of life or your place in your journey, not where you think you should be or not where social media suggests you should be, but where you really are and what you need from there. So there are four archetypes, the seeker, the restorer, the reclaimer, and the wayfinder. And today I'm gonna spend some time with the restorer because I think she is probably the one who most needs to be seen. Probably the one that wants to least be seen, but that's another matter. So the restorer is that woman who has held so much for so long. She's absolutely capable, caring. She shows up. She gets things done. She's that person other people rely on, and somewhere within all of that doing, she's lost herself a little or a lot. And her body, her very clever, wise body, is asking her to slow down or even stop. So she might be feeling emotionally drained, physically tired in a way that sleep doesn't even touch. Done with doing, and actually genuinely done, and perhaps craving something quieter and softer. She might even feel a little raw, a little closer to the surface than usual emotionally, and she absolutely almost certainly feels guilty about all of it, and maybe even worried about when her energy might return. Now, this doesn't mean she's broken. This is absolutely not a sign of failing, but she is full. Full of what life has given her, of what she's taken on and absorbed. But what she really needs is that permission to rest. So the invitation of the restorer is to enter what I think of as a sacred season of replenishment. Not a luxury or something she'll allow herself when she's finally caught up, because we all know that day never actually arrives, but as a genuinely necessary, non-negotiable act of care for herself. And the breath practice I would offer at Restorer is very simple, and it's an extended exhale. Now, you don't need to count for this practice. You could take a natural inhale, and then just see if you can make your exhale just a little bit longer. If it helps to count, then yes, you absolutely can. You might inhale for a count of four and exhale for a count of six or eight. It's just making that exhale slightly longer without pushing, without efforting to empty your lungs. That's not what it's about. And that longer exhale is a way of activating the parasympathetic side of your nervous system. A signal to your body that you are safe, that you can rest. So maybe if you want, you might like to try that now. Taking that inhale and just allowing your exhale to be just a little bit longer. And that's it. So let's look at rest as resistance and something that has been on my mind. And this is gonna come at you a little bit stronger now because I think this absolutely needs to be said. Choosing to rest deliberately, intentionally, and unapologetically in a world that tells you to push harder and do more is an act of resistance, and you probably feel it. But especially for women, especially in midlife, we have been so deeply conditioned to earn our rest, to justify it, to be sick enough or tired enough or broken enough before we give ourselves permission to stop. Perhaps we feel we can't give ourselves permission, and we feel the need for someone to rescue us, for someone to tell us to stop, to say from the outside they see that we're sick, so stop. Does that sound like you? But I'd like to gently challenge that because what if you didn't have to earn it? What if rest was simply allowed? And not even allowed, needed, very much part of life, because it is. And I've been sitting with an idea for a while now, something I've been milling over for quite some time in the background, and I thought I'd share it with you a little today, partly as a little bit of a challenge to myself to Not just keep all my ideas to myself,'cause I actually think some of you will immediately feel this, and I've decided to call it a day of space. So the idea is you come to Still Space Hull for a few hours, maybe 10 o'clock till 3:00 o'clock, something like that, and we just get to be present together, whatever that needs to look like for you. So maybe we sit and spend time in the quiet and silence. Maybe we have a gentle conversation here and there. Maybe there's things you just need to offload, and I'll just listen without throwing advice your way. Maybe we do some breathwork. Maybe I use some tuning forks to help support your relaxation. Maybe we go and have a little slow walk, around the city. Maybe we just have something to eat together and quietly sit by the window. Maybe you want to be held, and we can absolutely do that. And of course, all of this is through choice and consent and based on what you feel you need. And if you struggle to know what you need, that is a conversation you are welcome to bring up too. So there's no fixed agenda with this day, no outcomes to achieve, no right way to do it. Just space. Protected space, held space, with someone who is genuinely present with you. Because I do really believe that what so many of us are missing right now is not another program or another course or another thing to add to your list. It's just someone to be present with us while we rest, while we remember who we are. Perhaps even just to witness the phase of life that we are in. So yeah, more on that soon. I thought I might share that seed with you today because I value you regular listeners, so thank you for being here. So if any of that has resonated with you today, if you heard yourself in the restorer or you're not quite sure which archetype is present with you right now, I would love for you to take the Midlife Presence Archetype quiz. It's short, insightful, And it will help you understand- where you genuinely are right now and suggest what it is you might actually need. And those that have done it so far have actually described it as freakishly accurate. I think that's one of my favorite bits of feedback. So the link is in the show notes, or you can head to my website, carlykillen.com, and there is a button that says Quiz. You click that, and you can do it from there. And if you are a restorer, and even if you're not, the invitation this week from me is find one moment of genuine rest. Not whilst you're scrolling, not productive resting, not listening to something educational, just pure rest, even 10 minutes, and perhaps notice what comes up. Notice if anything feels hard about it, and perhaps you might get curious about that. And remember, you are allowed to rest. You do not have to earn it. I possibly can't say that enough. So thank you for being here today. If this episode landed well with you, please do share it with somebody who might need it. I want to help as many people as I can with this. So I will leave you there for now. See you next week. So until then, may you meet yourself with compassion, walk with presence, and remember, you already have everything you need. Take care.