119 Taking Up Space In Midlife: What No-one Tells You

We're often told to "take up space" to be bold, visible, and unapologetic. But what if the real work isn't about being louder... but about learning to hold space?

In this episode of Rooted in Presence, we explore the difference between taking up space (which can trigger your nervous system) and holding space (which requires deep presence and vulnerability).

Host Carly Killen shares her own journey of learning that shining her light came more from her inward journey into quiet presence than from traditional visibility ever did. She breaks down what holding space actually looks like, not just in business, but in your family, friendships, body, and daily life.

You'll discover:

• Why "take up space" messaging can feel overwhelming
• The difference between expanding vs. overriding your nervous system
• How to recognize your body's yes and no
• Practical ways to build capacity through pendulation and titration
• Why self-doubt doesn't mean stop and how to move forward with it

This episode is for anyone navigating midlife transitions, learning to trust their own pace, or wondering why visibility feels so vulnerable. If you've ever felt like you're "playing small" but pushing harder doesn't feel right either, this conversation is for you.

Topics: holding space, nervous system capacity, midlife visibility, self-doubt, breathwork, trauma-informed growth, pendulation, titration, sustainable expansion, embodied confidence

Thanks for listening to Rooted In Presence

If you’d like to get in touch with a question about today’s episode or find out how I can support you with coaching, here’s how to reach me:
📧 Email: carlykillenpt@gmail.com
📱 Instagram: @thestrongbonescoach

Do you crave unshakable confidence in your strength from midlife and beyond? Would you love to achieve your goals without sacrificing family time or self-care?

Ready to take your strength to the next level? Start building a stronger body and healthier bones with my Strong Bones Starter Kit; your step-by-step guide to safe and effective strength training at home.
👉 Click here to learn more and access today

🌟 Stay connected and inspired with daily wellness tips on Instagram @thestrongbonescoach.
🌟 For tailored advice or personal queries, email me at carlykillenpt@gmail.com

Thank you for being here, and I look forward to supporting you on your journey to strength, health, and confidence! 💪🦴✨

Transcript

0:46

Hello and welcome back to Rooted in Presence. I'm Carly your host Menopause Strength and Breathwork coach, and today I want to talk to you about something that's been coming up for me a lot this week. And perhaps it's been quietly brewing for quite some time, but I feel this last week or so I've gained a bit of clarity so I'm gonna talk to you all about taking up space or perhaps more accurately the difference between taking up space and actually holding space because this is what I've been noticing. Especially a lot of my experience in business and whether that's personal advice I've received, but also just observations in business world, but also in life. And I feel like what we get told constantly, especially as we reach midlife, especially as women, we get told constantly to take up space, to be bold, to put ourselves out there and to stop playing small. On the surface. That sounds empowering, doesn't it? And actually it is. I totally understand the sentiment, but when I actually started trying to do that, when coaches would tell me I needed to be more visible, post more on social media, show up bigger, my nervous system would be completely on edge. To me, it just felt like pushing, like forcing. Like I was supposed to be louder, bolder, more out there than I actually was, and honestly, it didn't feel good. It was absolutely exhausting. So things like just be yourself and take up space. Those things for me just don't go together. But what I've learned since then is that shining my light outward. Has come far more from me taking that journey inward into the quiet, into my own presence, into really knowing myself so much more than putting myself out there in the traditional sense ever has. So today I'd like to explore with you what it actually means to hold space for yourself in business, but also in your life, your family, your friendships, and your body. Because holding space can be so much more vulnerable than anyone ever prepares us for. So let's get started. So let's talk about naming that difference, that difference between taking up space and holding space because. I feel this is where everything shifts. When we're asked to take up space or perhaps hold, it can sound like be louder, be bolder, be more visible. Push yourself out there. Stop playing small. It's very action orientated, very outward focused, and for many people I work alongside and myself personally, it can be a trigger for a nervous system because. Perhaps it can feel like I'm being asked to perform confidence. We don't quite feel yet. It's that fake it till you make it energy, which has its place and also can be really unhelpful at times. But when we look at holding space, on the other hand, it's something entirely different. For me, holding space means being fully present to what it is you're offering. And this isn't just for the business people listening. What you have to offer can simply be listening the care you offer to others. It can be standing in your truth without needing to convince anyone or over explain. It can be creating room for yourself not just others. It can be showing up as you actually are. Not as you think you should be, and just allowing your presence to speak before your words. Do being truly inside yourself as yourself. And I'm not saying there's anything wrong with taking up space as women, especially for those of us that identify as women, but often have been shoved aside many times. The healthcare system is a very big example of that. Yes, we do need to take up space, and I have so much admiration for those that have needed to take up the space in those bolder, louder ways because realistically, we probably wouldn't be able to have this conversation at all if it wasn't for those people that really did put themselves out there. But I do feel there's more nuance needed. I feel there is space for the quiet ones too. There is a quieter way to go about this because it's much less about volume and it really is more about resonance and I really wish that I'd learned this sooner. How vulnerable it feels to hold space for yourself, for others, So much more vulnerable for me than taking up space, because when we're taking up space in that performative way, there's a kind of armor in it. You're projecting an image, perhaps you're meeting expectations, leaning into a role that's already defined, already recognizable. You're doing what you think you're supposed to do, but when you're holding your own space, you're actually there. Fully as you visible. In some ways, this can feel exposing and it's offering something that's truly yours, whether it's your words, whether it's your true facial expression, or whether it really is an offering from a business point of view. But those things, they can bring up self doubt. Which is exactly what's been coming up for me this week at Still Space Whole continues to grow in some different directions and welcome in more ways of being, as well as the strength training and breath work, one-to-one support group work and of Women's Network Group joining us too and holding something that is so much more me that's entirely different from anything I've done before. I'm really learning to meet that with curiosity rather than criticism. And I really am still learning here. So why does this message of take up space sometimes feel so uncomfortable? Well, for me, when I hear from coaches telling me I was playing small, that I wasn't pushing myself out there, I wasn't doing enough. My nervous system would spike. I'd feel myself tense up. I'd feel my heart rate starting to rise, and I think I'm already feeling my throat starting to get a bit scratchy and closed up. And yes, there's lots of work to be done around being able to be more visible, I did the work. I became more comfortable pushing outside my comfort zone. I became more comfortable showing up, being on video, social media, even starting a podcast, but what it really came down to was that message of take up space for me felt like I was being asked to move at a pace my system couldn't support. To show up in a way that really didn't feel like me. And there's a difference between expanding and overriding.'cause I'm all about growth, but there are ways of going about it, as I've mentioned in the previous episodes too. For me, expanding means I'm growing into new capacity. I'm gently stretching. I'm allowing myself to be seen in new ways. Overriding, on the other hand, feels a lot more like I'm pushing past my nervous system signals. I'm ignoring the discomfort that's telling me to slow down and performing confidence that I don't actually feel, and this is where it gets really subtle, because discomfort can be part of growth, but there's a difference between sitting with the discomfort, acknowledging. Caring for our nervous system and essentially bulldozing past it to get to the next level. And that's what I'm really speaking to here, because your nervous system does know the difference when you're expanding. Yes, there is discomfort, but there is also curiosity. There's a sense of aliveness. There's a sense of, this is new, but I'm here for it. When you're overriding, there's that feeling of dread, exhaustion. A feeling of I'm doing this because I should. Maybe not because it feels like the right thing for me or because it's true. So if the message to take up space is making you feel like you are constantly behind, constantly not doing enough, or continually needing to be louder or bigger or more, then take a pause because that's not expansion that is overriding yourself. And your nervous system is super clever, it will push back. So what does holding space look like in real life? So let's get a little bit more practical here, because holding space isn't just a business or a visibility thing, as I said. It's how you show up in your entire life. If you are thinking about your career or your business, it might mean speaking up in a meeting, not because you have all the answers, but because you know your perspective matters. It might mean creating an offer that feels truly aligned with you, even if it doesn't look like what everyone else is doing. This is something I've been working on a lot. It might mean saying no to opportunities that don't fit even when they seem like good opportunities. If we look at this from a family perspective, perhaps it might look like setting a boundary with love, even when it feels uncomfortable. It could mean. Asking for what you need instead of constantly accommodating everybody else. And it could even mean letting your kids see you, prioritize yourself. Sometimes that's so important. I didn't necessarily grow up with that level of modeling. So perhaps if this speaks to you, there's an invitation there, and in your friendships, perhaps it looks like being honest when you're struggling, instead of pretending everything's fine or. Choosing quality time over constant availability. So perhaps allowing the phone to be on do not disturb for a little longer if rest is what you really need. And it might mean letting go of relationships that no longer feel aligned. And I'm not saying any of these things are overnight transformations. This is the slow, quiet work of listening, responding, listening again, and next we come to your body Perhaps holding space for yourself might mean taking up the physical space unapologetically at the gym. In a yoga class, walking down the street, it might mean feeding yourself in a way that honors your needs, not your fears. And it might even mean resting without needing to justify it. So holding space in any of these contexts requires the same thing. Being present with yourself whilst remaining open to what's around you. It's really not about being the loudest person in the room, it's being the most you person in the room. And that vulnerability, that sense, that's the work. So this is something I wish I'd heard earlier. wish I could have understood this earlier, but the more you step into holding your own space, the more visible you become. And visibility is vulnerable when you're actually showing up with yourself and not a polished version, not the performance, but the real messy, still figuring it out person people do see you and when they see you. There is a part of you that might wonder, what if I'm not enough? What if they don't like what they see? What if I'm doing this all wrong? So the self-doubt pops up, That doesn't mean it's a stop signal. I don't see it as something to get rid of, but something I've learned to recognize as a familiar. Companion on the spiral of growth. I've met it many times before. The first time I walked into the gym, absolutely unsure where I belonged. If I belonged at all. The first time I asked for help so I could learn how to lift weights The moment I decided to start my business and so many turning points along the way between then and now. And each time self-doubt showed up. Each time it didn't stop me. It invited that pause to create space and then to take the next step with my eyes fully open. And that's what I'm noticing again now is. Still space whole takes its next tentative steps of growth, welcoming in more people, more offerings, and much more of me. And what's different now is how I respond. I don't rush past the doubts. It's well and truly felt, but I don't let it run the show either. I do the same for myself as I do my clients. I create space first because adding more, doing on top of that overwhelm. It's never really helped anybody. And when we work like this, when we live like this, it actually saved a lot more energy and that was the biggest revelation for me. So even though it felt vulnerable to show up as me to be who I really am, which means that people get to choose me or not choose me, but when I felt that difference, all the energy I saved, all the life that I felt came back to me, I decided to be a lot more me. That was absolutely worth those people that didn't choose me because realistically, if it was gonna take that much effort to get somebody to like me, which in the past is a lot of effort that I put in, it's not really a relationship I want to. Continue to build and that gets to be okay because you get to choose the kind of space. You take up, the type you hold, and you get to choose what is and isn't seen. This isn't about having your whole life out on show for everybody. Having the laundry out on the line where everybody can see. You still get to choose how you show up. No one else's job to tell you what to do, not even me. So let's look at some more practical ways that you can hold space that don't override your nervous system. How do we actually do this? How do we hold space without pushing past your capacity? So I'm gonna share with you a few things that help me, and I also bring this into my client work too. So firstly, take your time. There's no prize for moving faster than your nervous system can integrate. I've definitely learned to slow down my decision making to sit with things before I commit to notice the difference between excitement and anxiety. this doesn't mean we never take action. It means the actions I do take are aligned and not a reaction. Secondly. I spent a really good amount of time getting to know the yes and no in my body, and this was huge for me. Learning how I experience a yes in my mind, body versus a no has changed everything for me personally because there's lots and lots of ways that this can be experienced, um, which is beyond the scope of this podcast episode today. But for me, a yes feels like expansion. Even if there is some nervousness, it feels like possibility, like I'm leaning forward. The curiosity to find out what might happen overrides the self-doubt And then a no feels a lot like a contraction for me. Like embracing, perhaps almost pushing it away physically with my body. Like something in me is saying, no, really not this. This is where the nuance lives. There's also a difference between, I know because I'm avoiding something I actually need to do, and I know because this genuinely isn't aligned. Both can feel uncomfortable, but one is more of a fear based avoidance, and the other is wisdom. And can I just add this? Takes a little bit of time. It couldn't happen quite quickly. It can take years, but there are systems and ways to pay attention to this that are highly effective. And the way that I can really tune in to be able to tell a difference is that I take a pause, I take a breath, and I ask myself, am I hiding or am I honoring my next step? And that's not the only question I ask. It really depends what it is that I'm trying to figure out. So next we have caring for your nervous system capacity. And for me, this is now a non-negotiable. If I'm tired, undersleep haven't eaten well, if I've overscheduled myself, my capacity to regulate drops dramatically. So I protect the basics. Sleep, food that nourishes me movement. That feels good. Rest that is not just collapse. When my nervous system has capacity, I can hold so much more and when it doesn't, even small things can feel overwhelming. Number four, expanding my capacity gently. This is where breath work has been highly transformative for me. Breath work has helped me settle my nervous system for sure. It's also helped me gently push the edges of my comfort zone in a really safe space. Especially because I've taken that time myself to integrate and rest as well, not just constantly pushing onto the the next thing. This has been a really big shift for me, but what this did is that it taught my nervous system that I can meet challenge and then step back. Then meet it again. So in breath, work very much like other trauma informed modalities. We call this pendulation and titration. With Pendulation being a bit more like that natural rhythm of moving between activation and settling, challenge and rest, expansion and integration. Titration a bit more like taking those small, manageable doses and slightly increasing over time so your system can actually integrate the growth without getting overwhelmed. A bit like my Basecamp analogy that I mentioned in the last episode, and I use both of these with my clients, adapting to their needs when we work together. It really depends what's coming up and there to respond. Because the truth theory is that you don't build capacity by constantly pushing. You build it by stretching gently, then integrating, then stretching again. That's sustainable growth. And lastly, number five, I create space before adding more. again, another non-negotiable because when self-doubt shows up and overwhelm creeps in, or I feel that urge to do more, I take a pause. I see where I can create space first, because it's not about saying I can't do this or that. If the inspiration's there and I want to run with it, I want to let myself run with it. We can't always do that if we're over full of activities, over full of scheduling, we need to see where the space really is. And I often use a nice tool called Stop Start, continue as well. I use that for myself and my clients to see other things I'm continuing that don't feel aligned anymore, in which case perhaps I'll stop them. Are there things that don't need to be done by me? Where might I delegate to? And of course, what feels really nourishing, appropriate, and essential for me to continue. I make sure that they're planned in and included in the right way. This allows me to see where is the space for more? Where is the space to do things differently? Because space creates clarity, and clarity allows aligned action. So what I'd really like you to take away from today is holding space, truly holding space for yourself, whether that's for others as well. It doesn't need to be, it is vulnerable. More vulnerable than taking up space in that performative, loud look at me kind of way. Because when you're holding space, really are there fully present, fully visible, offering something real. And that can bring up self-doubts. It can bring up fear, it can bring up questions about whether you're enough, But you don't need to wait for that doubt to disappear before you move forward. It's just an invitation to learn how to move forward with it, how to recognize it as a familiar companion on that spiral of growth. So creating that space, check in with your nervous system, and then take your next step with your eyes fully open. That's the practice, that's the invitation. It's not about. Confidence without doubts, but courage to be with the doubts, trusting that you will be okay. However, things turn out. It's really not about fearlessness, not about forward movement. Even when you're scared and still allowing yourself to take those steps back, to take the rest and to go again, holding that space for yourself or perhaps having someone else to hold that with you and for you as you navigate this time of transition. So if you find yourself in that time of transition right now in uncertainty. Not feeling quite how to create that space to gain that clarity, then you really are not alone. The most powerful thing that you can do is take a bit more space before you move. Feel into your body's yes and no care for your nervous system capacity. And remember that shine your light doesn't have to look like being the loudest in the room, just being the most you in the room. And that's more than enough. So if you'd like some support in learning to hold that space for yourself in your life, your body, your work, I do offer one-to-one coaching breathwork sessions and holistic strength training at still Space Hall and online. So if any of that resonates with you and you'd like to explore or get in touch with me, you can head over to my website, carly killen.com and you can book a call. We can have a little chat and gain some clarity. So that's it from me this week until we meet again, may you meet yourself with Compassion Walk with Presence. And remember, You already have everything you need.