114 You’re Not Bad at Habits, You’re Human: A Solstice Perspective

As the Winter Solstice arrives, the turning point of deepest darkness and the slow return of light; this episode offers a gentle reframe on why habits feel hard, why change takes time, and why there’s nothing “wrong” with you if December isn’t the month you magically transform your life.

Carly explores the truth most midlife women were never told:
 you don’t struggle with habits because you lack willpower…
 you struggle because you’re trying to turn skills into habits.

Boundary-setting, emotional regulation, reducing people-pleasing, changing food patterns, building strength, choosing rest — these are skills, not automatic behaviours.
And like the earth after solstice, they take time, repetition, light, and compassionate awareness to take root.

This episode weaves together:
 ✨ Solstice wisdom and the return of the light
 ✨ Why habits fail (especially in midlife)
 ✨ Neuroplasticity + why new experiences help you feel younger
 ✨ How to pause before “fixing” everything
 ✨ Gentle end-of-year reflections + rituals
 ✨ What to do instead of perfection-driven resolutions
 ✨ How to create supportive routines, rituals, and inner skills that last

A soothing, grounding invitation to slow down, reflect, and choose the gentlest next step, not from pressure, but from presence.

Perfect if you're feeling the pull to change their life, but not the energy to overhaul it.

If this season is inviting you to make a shift but you’re not sure where to begin, let’s explore it together in a clarity call. Book here >> carlykillen.com

Thanks for listening to Rooted In Presence

If you’d like to get in touch with a question about today’s episode or find out how I can support you with coaching, here’s how to reach me:
📧 Email: carlykillenpt@gmail.com
📱 Instagram: @thestrongbonescoach

Do you crave unshakable confidence in your strength from midlife and beyond? Would you love to achieve your goals without sacrificing family time or self-care?

Ready to take your strength to the next level? Start building a stronger body and healthier bones with my Strong Bones Starter Kit; your step-by-step guide to safe and effective strength training at home.
👉 Click here to learn more and access today

🌟 Stay connected and inspired with daily wellness tips on Instagram @thestrongbonescoach.
🌟 For tailored advice or personal queries, email me at carlykillenpt@gmail.com

Thank you for being here, and I look forward to supporting you on your journey to strength, health, and confidence! 💪🦴✨

Transcript

Carly: 0:47

And welcome back to Rooted in Presence. I'm Carly, your host, breathwork facilitator, menopause strength coach and guide for this podcast. And in today's episode, it's one of those quieter, more reflective ones that I think so many of us are craving at this time of year. Because here in the northern hemisphere, as I'm based over in the uk, we are just a few days away from the winter solstice, the moments when the light begins to return after those dark days of winter. And I want to explore what this turning point can teach us about our own inner cycles. Our inner seasons and the way we approach change, especially in midlife. But before we go there, let me share with you one of my favorite little fun facts. Now, do you know those traditional pictures we see that represent Christmas and the Christmas cards that probably been out for a while? Perhaps you've even sent a few already. But those pictures of the reindeer pulling Santa Slay. And notice how those reindeer, they all have antlers. Isn't that interesting? But did you know that male reindeer shed their antlers in winter? Females keep theirs for another time of the year. So as the old stories go, the story of the winter solstice of the reindeer pulling the sleigh is actually a tale representing how the feminine goddesses, which are various names depending on which story you connect with, but the reindeer, they represent the goddess bringing rebirth of the sun back after the dark days of winter. So that picture of them pulling the sleigh. It's actually representing the reindeer, pulling the sun across the sky as we enter the winter solstice. So yes, all of those reindeer, doing the heavy lifting on the longest night of the year, they are female and honestly, that feels about right for this episode. so the winter solstice, as I said, is the darkest point of the year up here, the shortest day, but it's also the moment the light begins, its slow return, but yet nothing actually looks different. The next morning. just as dark. Perhaps it even feels like it gets darker and colder first, which might sound a little bit strange, but actually it's perfectly normal. That's exactly how it works. The earth doesn't respond instantly. The days don't suddenly feel longer. The warmth doesn't arrive overnight. It's the light that shifts first. Life responds later, and that's exactly how inner change works, especially during midlife menopause and those big transitions. We sense something wanting to shift. We become aware that things might want to be different. That change is possible even if we don't feel ready to engage with it yet, those shifts might be around how we care for ourselves, how we nourish our bodies, the way we move the boundaries we set the choices we make, the way we want to live going forward. But the embodiment of that shift. It takes time. Awareness comes first, integration comes later. Your inner solstice happens in quiet ways before any outer change is visible. And that's not a failure. That's biology and wisdom. It truly is how it's supposed to be. So let's talk about habits and perhaps why you feel like you're no good at them. Now, every December in January, the world comes, I think, obsessed with habits. Get your habits ready for the new year. Build habits that stick, make it all automatic. But I would like to reframe something that has changed the way many of my clients approach their goals, because most of the ladies I work with think they're really terrible with habits. The real issue here is not that they're bad at creating habits. What they're not recognizing here is that those things they're trying to create a habit out of are actually a skill. And skills are so much different to a habit. Skills take awareness, emotional intelligence, boundaries, repetition and compassion. Whereas habits, they're more automatic. Something you do without thinking, basically a bit like breathing. They're not the same thing. And this is what I mean that that boundary setting that is a skill. Emotional regulation, a skill interrupting, people pleasing. Also a skill, meal structure that's creating routine. Probably not a habit. We don't want to be automatically eating really actually breath work, a ritual, a practice, not a habit. Breathing, however. That's a habit. That connection to your goals, to your future self. Also a practice, not necessarily a habit, but perhaps it might start to feel like there's a lot less resistance as it becomes easier as perhaps you become more accustomed to it. But when we try to automate, things aren't really meant to be automated. We often find ourselves in rebellion. Perhaps we might consider it self-sabotage. And when this derails the efforts, you think something's wrong with you, does that make sense? But there is nothing wrong. You're not meant to live like a robot. You're meant to live as a human being with nuance, emotion, cycles, seasons, and needs. And your brain loves novelty, especially if you're one of those neurodivergent people just like me, and you'll probably thrive off learning. It awaken through new experiences. Which brings us to one of the most beautiful things about midlife is that your brain is still incredibly adaptable. That neuroplasticity, your brain's ability to rewire and grow, it doesn't end at 25, as they say. When our brain officially technically finishes developing, it doesn't end at 40 or 60. It continues as long as we continue giving your brain something new to work with. And that's also how we get to feel that sense of youthfulness as we age as well. So this is why trying new foods, adjusting your routines. Learning breathwork techniques, for example, setting new boundaries that fit your life now and exploring set strength training, it's all challenging all patterns that don't serve us as we evolve, and that's so powerful. And not because they support your physical or emotional health, but because they literally keep your brain young. There is another reason why habits don't stick. Your brain doesn't want everything to be automatic. It wants you to engage with novelty, purpose, curiosity, variation. It wants life. So if you've ever wondered why some habits don't stick, it's not a lack of discipline. It's that you, your brain, your body, your soul, it's wired for learning, not automation. This is where the pause, a reflection, a ritual, not rigid habits, this is where it all becomes essential. So this episode isn't really about preparing for New Year's resolutions. It's about creating the space before that turning of the season. It's a sacred pause, a softening it returns yourself and not to perfect anything, not to analyze everything, but to ask what actually matters to me right now. What wants to be released? What do I want to carry forward, and what season am I in internally? The pause is powerful because reflection precedes transformation. It's your inner solstice, that moment before the light returns. So how do we start to implement this in our lives? Without feeling like a failure, without tuning into that pass or fail attitude. And I'll share with you a practice I use myself, especially when I catch an old pattern resurfacing. I'd call it a bit of a self grace redirect. Perhaps this is something you might reflect on over the winter solstice. So the first step is I just notice and I recognize, huh? There's that old pathway again, that old behavior. Perhaps it's something I am trying to make a different choice on, but I just simply notice and go, huh, yeah, there you are. I see you. Step two is to just gently witness. I see that part of me that wants to protect me through this pattern. Wants to avoid change.'cause change is scary and dangerous, isn't it? And next I gently redirect. We're going to choose a different direction right now. Let's say this to myself kindly. And this is the foundation of behavior change, not shame, not pressure, not perfection, just awareness and compassion. So now that we've grounded that solstice theme, the idea of our inner turning points, this is where the still space story naturally belongs. One of the reasons I created still space Hull, as I mentioned the last episode, is because I craved a place where we could reconnect with the kind of stillness that isn't about being motionless. It's about being anchored. Stillness is a feeling. Stillness is sovereignty. Stillness as the ability to hold your own energy, even in busy seasons. And yet, even as we are located in the sense of hall's, old town surrounded by life and movement, shops, pubs, nightlife, and noise. When you step inside, it all drops away. And what I love even more about this is you don't have to be in that physical room to access it. Stillness is an inner place you can carry with you into your gatherings, your decision making. Into those tender moments, into transitions, and into the new year. That capacity for stillness is a skill, a practice, and a profound act of nervous system care. So as always, I'd like to share with you practical tips. So I have two practices that you might want to practice over your solstice. Pause. First one is a seasonal check-in. Asking yourself, what season is my body in? What season is my energy in? What season is my mind in and what season is my heart in? And just check in. Perhaps they match, maybe they feel different. Just allowing yourself to see what do I really feel is right for me right now? No need to force an answer. You can just notice. It's amazing what your brain will do in the background. And next we have the micro pause breath. And this is a type of breath awareness with an extra focus on the pause between the inhale and the exhale. And that's all you need to do. You might. Just bring your attention to your breath for a moment, and notice the pause between the inhale and the exhale, and the exhale and the inhale. And you might notice, as with all things, once you're observed, might actually change, and that's okay. Maybe notice what happens when you bring that awareness into your breath and into those pauses. Again, remembering this is not to fix anything. It's just simply to come home to find your own still space. So as we come to a close and as the winter solstice approaches, let this be your permission slip to pause, to reflect, to soften. So trust the light is returning even if you can't feel it yet. Awareness first, embodiment later. That's how it goes. So until next time, may you meet yourself with Compassion, walk with Presence, and remember, you already carry everything you need.