109 NO-vember: The Power of Loving Boundaries in Midlife

As the year speeds up and festive demands grow louder, it’s easy to slip into over-giving and overwhelm. 

In this week’s episode, Carly explores the real meaning of loving boundaries; not walls that shut people out, but limits that protect your nervous system, energy, and sense of self.

Discover why saying “no” can actually be one of the most caring things you do, how to navigate the guilt that comes with it, and how boundaries help your body move out of fight-or-flight so it can rest and rebalance.

Whether you’re entering midlife, menopause, or simply feeling stretched thin, this episode invites you to say yes to what truly matters.

Resources:

Women's Menopausal Experiences in the UK: A SystemicLiterature Review of Qualitative Studies. Link >>  https://doi.org/10.1111/hex.70167

Thanks for listening to Rooted In Presence

If you’d like to get in touch with a question about today’s episode or find out how I can support you with coaching, here’s how to reach me:
📧 Email: carlykillenpt@gmail.com
📱 Instagram: @thestrongbonescoach

Do you crave unshakable confidence in your strength from midlife and beyond? Would you love to achieve your goals without sacrificing family time or self-care?

Ready to take your strength to the next level? Start building a stronger body and healthier bones with my Strong Bones Starter Kit; your step-by-step guide to safe and effective strength training at home.
👉 Click here to learn more and access today

🌟 Stay connected and inspired with daily wellness tips on Instagram @thestrongbonescoach.
🌟 For tailored advice or personal queries, email me at carlykillenpt@gmail.com

Thank you for being here, and I look forward to supporting you on your journey to strength, health, and confidence! 💪🦴✨

Transcript

Carly: 0:46

Hello and welcome back to Rooted in Presence. I'm Carly Killen, breathwork facilitator, midlife coach, and forever curious about what it really means to live in tune with our bodies, values and truth in this season of life. Well, today we're talking boundaries. Not the harsh brick wall kind, the kind that protect your energy, your hormones, your sanity, and your sense of self. And I bring this up lately as I've noticed a wave of posts online talking about, no. Then a list of things to say no to what not to tolerate, how to protect your peace. And it's a good reminder as we head into the season where festive Jamal can feel a lot. I wanted to take the conversation a little deeper today because boundaries aren't just about saying no. They're a way to say yes to what truly matters to you, and it's been a while since I've done a full episode on this, but it's such a core part of the work I do, whether through breath coaching. Helping you navigate midlife transitions. So today I want to offer you some insights and reflections on what loving boundaries can look like, especially at this time of year when our energy and nervous system need a little extra care. So if you're already bracing for the calendar, chaos, family expectations. Office socials or school events and those quick favors, emotional labor, and the invisible list that only you seem to see, take a breath, you are not the problem, but your missing boundaries might be. So let's talk. So let's talk about why boundaries matter even more in midlife, because this is what I see again and again in the people I work with. Smart, caring, capable midlife humans who are juggling work, family aging, parents, navigating relationships, traveling through menopause, perimenopause symptoms. Still trying to be the reliable one for everybody all while their body is quietly or loudly saying something needs to change. In recent research on menopause experiences in the UK found that many women feel pressure to keep going. Like nothing is happening to plow on, adopt a superhero mindsets and hold everything together, often without anywhere near enough support, and that pressure takes a toll on mental health identity and relationships. So boundaries aren't a nice to have here. They're essential. They are. How you say to your nervous system, I hear you. I'm not going to abandon you for every request, expectation or tradition that lands in my inbox. And let's remember, boundaries are not rejection. They are protection. They protect your time, energy, and nervous system, and that has real physiological effects. When you stop living in constant fight or flight mode, your body finally gets to rest and rebalance. That's when all the quiet maintenance work that's usually put on hold, like digestion, hormonal regulation, blood sugar, stability, immune system repair. It can all begin to happen again. You're literally giving your body permission to do what it's designed to do, and it feels safe enough to slow down. And when you're moving through perimenopause or menopause, your system is already doing a huge amount of work on regulating these shifts in hormones, mood, temperature, and cognition. Yes. How you think and how your brain works. So adding people pleasing and overcommitting on top of that, it's like loading extra weights onto a bridge that's already can be one car away from cracking. It's no wonder so many of you feel like you are at breaking point. So this is where NO-vember comes in. So this is where NO-vember comes in. So let me offer you a confession. I used to be terrible with boundaries. I'm actually, I think I'm still working on it. I was the queen of, yes, of course. Before I'd even checked my diary. I would double book myself, forget what I promised, feel like I was constantly behind, and then wonder why I was exhausted, snappy, and secretly resentful. Part of it was being genuinely caring, wanting to help, but part of it was this old conditioning of being helpful, being reliable, being the strong one. Another part of it was undiagnosed, A DHD, and trying to hold my life all in my head. It wasn't sustainable, so one of the most practical boundaries I created, it sounds so tiny, but it changed everything. I committed to not saying yes on the spot. If someone invites me or asks me something, my default response became, let me check my diary, hand my energy, and I'll come back to you. Small pause removed so many accidental yeses and it let me make decisions from alignment, not adrenaline. And that is what I want you to hear. Boundaries do not have to start with that dramatic. No, they can just start with a pause, a breath, a, just let me sit with it. And that's a loving boundary. Boundaries are nervous system care. A lot of people hear boundaries and they think drama cutting people off a big speech conflict, the kind of boundaries I walk you through inside my coaching are much quieter and kinder. Think of them as settings on your inner system, how much access people have to you, how much responsibility you agree to carry, how late you stay, how much you explain what conversations are okay for you. What pace your body can actually manage. And in psychological terms, boundaries are simply the limits that protect your wellbeing and sense of safety and done well. They can reduce conflict and resentment because expectations become clearer and more honest, and research consistently links clearer communication and emotional safety. To better mental health and relationships. I'll put the link in the show notes for those of you that like to read it. So in midlife, those limits, they need an update because your load has changed, your body has changed. Your tolerance for nonsense has probably changed too. And that big UK review of menopausal experiences highlights how many women feel stretched thin at work and at home with symptoms so often dismissed, needs minimized, and that expectation to just cope loving boundaries are one of the ways we can quietly refuse that script. If they're a way of saying, I am allowed to organize my life in a way that includes me and these days, that feels pretty radical, but it's completely necessary. So there's one thing I feel strongly about, where possible boundaries work best when we communicate them before we hit breaking point. Noters rules slapped down in anger, like the foot coming down, and you finally had enough but honest conversations. And I would suggest framing it something like, I've noticed I've been running on empty recently, and that's not good for either of us. I'm going to be more intentional about what I say yes to. Here's what that might look like. Here's how you might be able to support me. No apology, no. 14 paragraph justification. Just clarity and kindness because yes, some people might feel disappointed or confused at first, especially if they're used to you being endlessly available. Sometimes their discomfort is simply the realization that. They now have to do things differently to get their needs met. And that's not proof. Your boundary is wrong. It's proof your boundary is working. So when you come up against this, and I'm sure you will, the work for you is nervous system care. Noticing the wobble. When you say no, noticing the urge to overexplain. Breaking through that good girl guilt or the strong one identity. This is where the tools come in that hand on your heart, a slow exhale, reminding yourself, I am allowed to protect what matters to me. And again, this is the kind of resilience and capacity that we build together with the coaching. So what does November look like in practice? Mm-hmm. So let's make this a bit more tangible and practical. Here are some loving November experiments. You can try. Just pick your favorite. So firstly, the diary boundary, the one I mentioned today. I do not say yes without checking my diary and energy. If someone asks you, here's an example script for you. Thank you for thinking of me. Let me check what I've got on and I'll let you know. Simple. It's a powerful one. Secondly, we have the social boundary, choosing your maximum. For example, I commit to one evening event per week in December, and if more invites come in, you could say I'd love to see you, but I've reached my capacity that week. Can we do January instead? You are not rejecting people. You are respecting your own capacity. Number three, we have the conversation boundary. Certain topics drain you or spike your stress. You could say. I'm not available for conversations about my body diet, HRT politics today. Can we talk about something else? If they continue, you can kindly remove yourself. That is emotional self-protection. It's not rudeness, seriously, it isn't. And finally, we have the self boundary Boundaries are how you treat yourself. Just as much as anyone else, and you might choose, I do not check work emails. After 7:00 PM I sit down to eat. Instead of standing up eating my food near the sink, I choose to take 10 minutes outside each day as a bare minimum. And this is how you show your body. You are on your own side. So I'd like to offer you a little November reflection opportunity here. Perhaps you might like to journal it, voice, note it, or perhaps just walk with it. Where in my life am I saying yes when my whole body is whispering? No. Also, you may also want to consider what is one small boundary. That would help me feel more honest, more rested, and more myself. And if you feel like sharing what comes up, I would genuinely love to hear. You can email me at Carly killen, pt@gmail.com and let me know what you're exploring. There's no big speech as needed, just tiny acts of self-respect. And remember, you don't have to do this alone. Learning to set boundaries when you've spent decades. Being the safe pair of hands is deep work. It presses on identity, family patterns, people pleasing, menopause, brain fog, cultural messages, all of it. You are not weak for finding it hard. You are human. And having someone walk alongside you who understands the body hormones, the nervous system, and the emotional load of midlife, it can make it feel a lot lighter. And I'd love to support you with this. So if this calls to you, please book a free clarity call at my website, carly killen.com. We can look at where your energy is leaking, what boundaries might serve you, and how to implement them in a way that feels kind not chaotic. So as we move through November, may you remember that no is not selfish. It is a sacred yes to your health, your presence, and your future self. You are allowed to be caring and boundaried, soft and clear, loving and honest about what you can hold. But thank you for listening to this week's Rooted in Presence. Until next time, may you meet yourself with Compassion, walk with Presence, and remember, you already carry everything you need.