091 The Midlife Lie: Reclaiming Time, Energy & Your Whole Self

Have you been sold the myth that you should have it all figured out by midlife, the career, the family, the health, the peace? I

n this episode, Carly unpacks the big lie of “balance” and explores what it really takes to reclaim your time, energy, and sense of self. 

Expect soulful honesty, real-life stories, and practical tools to help you live more intentionally, without burning out in the process.

If you’re sitting in the messy middle and craving some grounded support, you don’t have to navigate it alone. Book a free Clarity Call and let’s sit together in the pause ... no pressure, just presence.

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If you'd like to get in touch to ask a question about today's episode or to find out how you can get support from my coaching, reach out on the following links:

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Thanks for listening to The Strong Bones Coach Podcast!

If you’d like to get in touch with a question about today’s episode or find out how I can support you with coaching, here’s how to reach me:
📧 Email: carlykillenpt@gmail.com
📱 Instagram: @thestrongbonescoach

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Transcript

Carly: 0:37

Hey, lovely people and welcome back to The Strong Bones Coach Podcast with me your host, Carly Killen. So today's episode is a little reflection on something that's been showing up a lot for me lately in my own life. My client sessions in my women's circle. Book club and maybe even your life too. So let's talk about how we balance inner work with real life. You know that feeling like you're spinning five plates on one tired arm while trying not to spill your coffee or your sanity? That's midlife. There's your career, maybe still evolving. Family, kids, parents, partners. There's your health, hormones, bones, the basics, the house, the meals, the mental load. And then somewhere in there is you, and I don't mean the curated self, you present the world, I mean your actual self. I mean your actual self, the Big S self, or as one of my clients misheard me the other day, your Big ASS self, the one that craves rest, reflection, creative expression, time to just be, and they say you can't be everything to everyone, but midlife will ask you to try. Some days I feel like I'm sliced up like a pizza, each piece claimed by something or someone else. But there's another way to do things. Something I am very much learning to navigate. It's a bit like we're living between the worlds where it has been, for me anyway, As a deep thinker, deep feeler, and yes, A DHD. I've always lived with one foot in the inner world, one foot out, or perhaps sometimes both feet. Very much planted fully inside my inner world without giving too much attention to what's going on around me. I was the daydreamer in school, not that naughty one, just elsewhere. I find it hard to concentrate on what other people thought was important. If I couldn't see the point, I struggled. But then life threw me a curve ball or a feeling after I had my daughter. I experienced a really difficult postnasal depression that was a wake up call showing me how far I drifted into my own world. I disconnected from the support I really needed. So I overcorrected desperate for that not to happen again. The pendulum swung completely the other way. I focused only on the outer worlds, the physical, what I could see, touch, hear, smell, goals, productivity, getting it done. But I still felt lost, like something essential had been left behind. I dunno if you can relate, but that's when I realized the work is not about choosing one world or another. It's about learning to live with a foot in both. To build a life that feels purposeful and peaceful, strong and soft. Rooted and reflective. Now, let's be honest, we've been sold a lie, especially as women, that we can have it all. And not only that, that we should. The career, the family, the clean house, the healthy meals, the regulated nervous system, the perfect gym routine, the spiritual growth, self-development, all in perfect balance. And if we don't manage it, we feel like we've failed. But here's the truth. You can do anything, but you can't do everything, not all at once anyway. There are seasons, there are moments to go all in on work, moments to pull back and rest. Times when your creativity takes the lead. Times. When your energy is low, everything feels foggy. Perhaps sometimes your family need more of you. Perhaps sometimes you need more of you. The trick here is to learn what matters most right now and being okay with letting the rest wait. Now, let me bust a few myths that I hear all the time regarding all of this from clients, from friends, and yes, from my own inner critic too. So myth number one, perfect balance is the goal. So, nope, balance isn't about holding everything at an equal level. Balance isn't static. It's dynamic. It's absolutely not a set of perfectly even scales. What we're really aiming for here is harmony and harmony. That's something entirely different. Think of an orchestra. Not every instrument plays the same notes at the same volume or even the same rhythm. That wouldn't be music, it would just be noise. Instead, each instrument plays its path, some rising into a crescendo, others softening into the background, and some take in a few bars, rest entirely. All guided by the conductor, which is you, by the way, working together to create something whole, moving and alive. That's what life balance really is. Some seasons, your career takes the lead. Sometimes it's your family, your health, creativity, your healing. It doesn't all have to play loudly all at once. What matters is that you're listening and adjusting, honoring that part that needs your attention right now, and letting the rest take a backseat now and then. That's the music of a life well lived. Myth number two, all areas of life should be treated equally. So that's a no from me. And here's the truth. Equal doesn't even mean fair. It doesn't even mean effective. What we're actually aiming for is equity, giving each part of our life what it needs, not just splitting our time and energy into equal slices, like a perfectly proportioned pie charts. Imagine a garden, one plant might need full sun and daily watering. Another might need shade and just a little moisture now and then. And if you gave each one exactly the same care, some would thrive, others would wilt, and your life is no different. Your health, relationships, your work, they all have different requirements at different times. Midlife especially as a way of demanding. We reassess what needs nurturing right now and equity asks what part of my life needs more of me right now? What can manage with less? Not because it's not important. Because it's ready to stabilize or rest for a while, not about neglecting one area forever. It's all about knowing which plate needs spinning today and which one is okay to set down. Just for now, this is how we create a sustainable rhythm, not burnout in disguise. Myth number three. One of my personal favorites. Once you've got it all together, you are done. This is a sneaky one because it feeds on the idea that personal growth has a finish line. That once you've hit the goal, built the habits, or figured yourself out, you can coast, you're there, you've arrived, you've done it all but real life, real midlife. It's not a one-time summit. It's a whole mountain range. So of course you might climb to a peak. Maybe it's building a career, healing a relationship, reclaiming your health, and you get to the top breathless, proud, maybe a little worn down. And then what? You don't need to live on that mountain. You rest. You return to base camp, you reassess. You choose your path. Intention for your next adventure, perhaps. And yes, sometimes this is the hardest part. And you realize you've been climbing the wrong mountain altogether, and I have been there. And if this is you, there is no shame or blame. I think this is part of life too. If you've followed that path that someone else charted chase, a summit, that doesn't even feel like yours. That's really tough. And if that has been you, it's certainly been me. At times we find ourself in midlife, that feels a bit like a reckoning asking us, are we on the right mountain? Where is my base camp? That place of nourishment, grounding, clarity, what kind of journey do I want next? This is where sustainable self-leadership lives. Not an endless climbing, but in choosing with clarity, with compassion. With the wisdom of all the paths you've already walked. So how do we actually do this? How do we hold space for inner growth while still showing up for work, family, the dishes life? Well, here's what's helped me. This is what I guide my clients through to starting in no particular order. We'll start with breath work. Lovely for nervous system regulation, for clarity. Even just a few moments of daily gentle breath awareness. A deep sigh or some humming can make a huge difference. Whether it's a small moments or a longer workshop, these all can be woven beautifully into your life. Next, we have strength training and movements. Not just to chase an aesthetic, but to stay rooted into your body. And of course there is no shame on working on body changes or weight loss. It's just ensure that you stay anchored into yourself as you do it. Next, I like to focus on nourishing meals. Even when I'm tired, overwhelmed, balanced plate grounds me. Food is part of my care, not just fuel. I also lean into practical rhythms. One little example for those of you that spend a lot of time at desk I have done recently being in quite a creative flow is to take little screen breaks. Now, the 20 20 20 rule is quite well known where every 20 minutes I look 20 feet away or 20 seconds. It resets my eyes and it's a nervous system reset too, and of course, something I like to do, but you may not enjoy this one. Kitchen Dance parties, because joy is regulation two. And finally, just tuning into silence. Even if it's not total silence, and I dunno if you can hear the dog barking out here right now, or perhaps my microphone is doing a good job tuning it out. But I often like to listen for a birdsong distant chatter and many times a passing motorbike. It's really not about escaping your real life, it's about creating enough presence that you don't lose yourself inside it. So this is the work. To honor your personal evolution and still get the laundry done. Sorry, not sorry to care deeply about your work without abandoning your wellbeing. Yes, I've absolutely been guilty of that in the past. And perhaps to choose which plates you wanna spin right now, I'm being okay to let the others rest. This is where strength meets softness. This is where your nervous system care meets practical life. This is what I love helping women do, not by giving them another list of things to try and be perfect with, but by helping them tune in to what's true for them right now. And if that's something you want support with, let's sit in that middle space together. Be in between the becoming the messy beauty of it all and see what wants to emerge next. If you'd like to explore this with me, you can book a free clarity call 30 minutes to do just that together. You can find the link in the show notes or head over to carly killen.com. So until next week, take care of yourself fiercely, gently. Honestly, you are doing better than you think. I'll see you next time.