088 Fierce and Tender: The Self-Compassion I Wish I’d Learned Sooner

In this episode, Carly shares her story and insights on the kind of self-compassion that changes everything. 

Not the fluffy kind, but the fierce, grounded, honest kind. If you’ve ever felt like you’re doing all the right things but still feel stuck, this one’s for you.

Includes practical tips, relatable stories, and reflections for midlife women navigating perimenopause, burnout, and rebuilding trust with their bodies.

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Referenced in this episode:

• Neff, K. (2003). Self-Compassion: An Alternative Conceptualization of a Healthy Attitude Toward Oneself.
• Neff, K. (2021). Fierce Self-Compassion: How Women Can Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim Their Power, and Thrive.
• Germer, C. (Chapter excerpt from The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion).
• Clarissa Pinkola Estés. (1992). Women Who Run With the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype.

✨ This episode was inspired by Carly’s blog - Life In Flow:
 How to Be on Your Own Side: The Fierce and Tender of Self-Compassion

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If you'd like to get in touch to ask a question about today's episode or to find out how you can get support from my coaching, reach out on the following links:

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Thanks for listening to The Strong Bones Coach Podcast!

If you’d like to get in touch with a question about today’s episode or find out how I can support you with coaching, here’s how to reach me:
📧 Email: carlykillenpt@gmail.com
📱 Instagram: @thestrongbonescoach

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Transcript

Carly: 0:37

Hello, lovely people and welcome back to The Strong Bones Coach Podcast with me your host, Carly Killen. And today's episode has one that has been mulling around in my heart and my head for a little while. It's something I wish I'd learned much earlier, and not just the idea of it, but the lived, embodied practice of it. And that is self-compassion. And we're not just talking this soft, fluffy kind. We often hear about the chocolates and bubble baths. I'm talking about the kind that has both tenderness and teeth. The kind that lets us be real, be messy, but also hold our boundaries. So let's dive in. So I'm talking about fierce and the tender self-compassion that I really wish I'd been able to tap into at much earlier points in my life because I spent so much. Of my earlier life as a proud people pleaser. Every time I tried to stand up for what I wanted, I'd fold. I'd acquiesce at the slightest challenge, and that would look like planning to go to the gym, but staying home'cause my family said they'd miss me if I went back out after work, it would look like overcommitting while I was at work than being too afraid or ashamed to ask for help when I was struggling. And it also meant staying out at the pool by saying yes to one another, another drink, even though I didn't want it just to avoid an awkward conversation or feeling like the odd one out, and self-compassion, honestly, I just thought it was a load of fluff, bubble baths, pamper days, chocolate. I didn't really feel I deserved it anyway, and I couldn't understand what the point was, especially when I had deadlines looming and felt like I was drowning. I genuinely believed, if I'm kind to myself, how will I ever get anything done? If I didn't keep the pressure on, I'd spiral into laziness or failure. So I kept pushing. But there comes a point where something starts to shift. Maybe you can relate. cause there's a kind of fire that can rise in our midlife. Sometimes it's fierce. Sometimes it feels like everything's falling apart, and sometimes it can feel like we've been tenderized by life. Physically, emotionally, hormonally, am I really just trying to hold it all together? And I'm telling you, this is more than just a hot flush. Have you ever found yourself saying, why do I feel like this? Even when I'm doing everything right? I want you to know you're not alone. I've been there ADHD perimenopause, the shifting tides of relationships and identity in midlife, not to mention a few rounds of burnout. It's a lot. Through all that I've learned, I've had to learn to be on my own side again, and that has meant learning self-compassion, even when it gets hard, especially when it gets hard. So let's start by naming what self-compassion is and what it's not. So according to Dr. Christian Neff, who has done some incredible research in this area, definitely check her out. She says that self-compassion has three parts. So we have our self-kindness. This is being warm and understanding, and we're struggling. And by the way, we can apply this to ourselves and others. Although I think we're probably a lot better at applying this to others than ourselves, which is why I'm giving it more of a self focus for this episode. So moving on to the second part of self-compassion that she talks about, and that's that common humanity recognizing that we all suffer, we're all imperfect. It's all part of that shared human experience. So if we ever feel like a bit of a unicorn, we can just remind ourselves that actually there's probably someone else going through a similar experience, but also to remember our own experience is perfectly valid too. And next we have mindfulness. The ability to sit with your experience without pushing it away or becoming totally overwhelmed by it. Definitely a skill. So definitely need to apply some self-compassion as we lean into these things. But just to clear it up, self-compassion is not about self-pity. It's not about letting yourself off the hook, And it's definitely not indulgence. In fact, it helps you hold yourself accountable in a sustainable way rather than burning out from harsh self-talk or constant perfectionism. But here's where it gets super good. Self-compassion has two sides, and I wish more people talked about this. There's that tender side, the voice that says it's okay to rest. You've done enough, and this is perhaps where you would have the bubble bath. There is also the fear side, the one that says, enough, this is not okay anymore. I need change and we need both. Especially in midlife. Many of us have spent years giving to others at work, in families, in communities, and neglected our own voice. We've mastered tender compassion for everybody else, but we struggle to find it for ourselves. We struggle to stand firm in our own needs, wants and desires. So learning that second part, the fierce compassion, that's been one of the biggest game changers for me and for so many of my clients. But let me tell you something. I didn't choose self-compassion, not at first. It kind of chose me or rather, life chose it for me. Multiple burnouts, life transitions, emotional upheaval. I was very proud of the fact that whatever was going on in my life, I could always push through. And I kept trying to push through because that's all I knew until it didn't work anymore, until my body, my nervous system basically said, that's it. No more. And to come face to face with yourself at your lowest points, just realize just another human carving out an existence on a spinning rock is an incredibly humbling and tenderizing experience. So that's when I had to learn to show up for myself. Not just softly, but fiercely. Not perfectly, but consistently. So for those of you that are thinking, this is all still a little bit fluffy, there is actual science behind this. There's quite a few studies, which I'll list a couple in the show notes. So here's the sciencey it, but I will keep it light for those of you that are not here for heavy listen. So we have plenty of studies that show that practicing self-compassion is linked to less anxiety and depression. More motivation. Yes. Really. Healthier habits like exercise, nourishing food, eating well and better emotional regulation and resilience. It shifts us from fear-based motivation, that classic inner critic that you might be familiar with to care-based motivation, which is far more sustainable and less likely to lead you to burnout. So that phrase, you can't hate yourself into change, that's what they're talking about. So let's look at what this actually looks like in real life. All about the practical tips here. Here's a few ideas that might help you right now. So, first one, catch the critic. If you notice that in a voice that says, oh, you failed again, you're useless, what's the point? This is your time to pause and take a breath. Can you ask yourself, what do I need right now? And give yourself time to answer. It can be really hard to sense what your needs are when you're right amidst the flurry of chaos. So if you can just step out just for a moment to ask yourself and give yourself a few seconds to see what you really need, this is a great way to combat that critic And next. Try to speak comfort to yourself. So there's a little phrase I've come to learn and various variations of it that I use now and then. So feel free to create your own, but if you can slow down, take a breath and place your hand on your heart, or maybe give yourself a a little hug if that feels comfortable or safe. Sometimes I use this when I'm driving, so I definitely don't give myself a hug at that point. But I like this little phrase that I found. It says. This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is part of being human. May I be kind to myself in this moment? It's kind of part of a loving kindness meditation. That's something you can say to yourself at any point. And of course, find your own words. It needs to mean something to you. Next, anchoring into connection. So just remember, you're not alone. Your struggles are not proof. You're broken. The evidence that you are human, and so if you have a trusted friend or supportive coach, sharing your thoughts and struggles can be really helpful, even if it's just a sounding board. I personally find it much more helpful to have a sounding board than someone to offer solutions all the time. Turns out generally we do know what we need. We just need to hear ourselves speak. Next move from care, not guilt, move because it feels good. Eat to nourish your body. Rest, not because you've earned it, but because you matter. All too often we move because we feel like we need to burn calories, should be doing something or because we. Feel like we can't rest until we're absolutely ready to drop. This is not how to care for ourselves. Hopefully you wouldn't do this to your car, so let's not do this to our bodies. And finally, offering yourself support for your nervous system. So things like coherence, breathing, just five minutes of slow, gentle breaths can really help regulate your system. I've linked a YouTube video in the show notes if you want to try that with me. So if you're still thinking, this all sounds great, but I still feel like I'm falling apart and sending love to you all, if this is where you are at right now, but let me speak some comfort to you. You are not broken. You are becoming, you are not too much. You are not selfish for wanting more joy, peace, and presence in your life. It's simply time to come home to yourself. And if you'd like some support on that journey, whether it's one-to-one coaching, support with breath work, or just a safe space to explore the next step, I am here for you. You can book a clarity call on the link in the show notes. So remember, being kind to yourself isn't about giving up. It's about showing up for your needs, your boundaries, your joy. You're not alone in this and you don't have to figure it all out by yourself. So until next time, take care of yourself. Fiercely tenderly, you deserve it. See you next week. Take care.